MY MOTHER, JOYCE WOOD, TAUGHT PIANO LESSONS FOR SEVENTY-TWO YEARS STRAIGHT. In a row. With no years off. You get the idea. A great teacher. She passed away three years ago, and I’ve shared some of her wit and wisdom here before. Following is a document that will sound familiar to every teacher of any subject, although the details are specific to piano lessons. Here, then, is a list of excuses which my mother saved, and termed, “Ivory Alibis”.

1. I haven’t had time to practice.

2. The piano needs tuning.

3. I forgot my glasses.

4. This piano feels so different.

5. The page turn messed me up.

6. I didn’t know I was supposed to turn the page.

7. It sounded better at home.

8. The bench is too low.

9. The bench is too high.

10. I practiced it faster.

11. I practiced it slower.

12. A key is sticking.

13. I didn’t know we were repeating.

14. I’ve never played this before.

15. The action is too loose.

16. The action is too stiff.

17. The pedal stuck.

18. There was a mouse in the piano.

19. I didn’t like this piece anyway.

(Dedicated to Kathy Wood, who now teaches on Mother’s piano, and has also heard ’em all.)